[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
You Might Also Like
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
operators are standing by to ignore your call
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.