when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster