Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
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me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!