Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
titanic
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
❤️❤️❤️
My Guy
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.