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Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
😂💯
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life