I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Actually cracking up @ this
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do