I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no