Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money