Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Every damn time
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
felt that