Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
me after drinking all the wine:
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.