me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Can’t stop laughing
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.