My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I found your tweet-up…
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Doctors texting each other.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing