PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
#Caturday
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer