Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
There is no “we” in pizza
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon