I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me