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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
This kid will have a bright future.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
the answer was staring at me all along