If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me irl
The struggle is real
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.