Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no