My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
me and who
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son