I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.