if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
You Might Also Like
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
every college guy’s fridge
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.