19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.