Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
😅🤣😂
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.