Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.