So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it