Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Oh. My. God.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.