I support this random dude and all his protests
You Might Also Like
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?