We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
(Jupiter –
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction