Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers š¶
Him: Mom whatās a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know weāre lovers?
Stranger:š³
You Might Also Like
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because Iām a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didnāt even know I existed.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
š¶ Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-ohā¦
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my āprofessionalā roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. Itās at 4 am and heās naked, but still
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled meā
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope iāll be dead
My optimism doesnāt come out of thin air. A flask is involved.