Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You Might Also Like
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.