waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.