The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.