[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
This raises questions
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”