They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏