Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Damn what did I do next
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please