Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
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ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean