My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
You Might Also Like
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11