I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
he chose this
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
😂💯
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*