When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try