The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?