Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.