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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
This came to me in a dream.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The Punning Dead.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork