*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.