The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Best spoiler warning ever
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Good point.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.