the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
You Might Also Like
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Happy Caturday!
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.