I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.