I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
You Might Also Like
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
#DesignFail
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Just a bush.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.