‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock