Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman