murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I’d use my best pan on you.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!